Subject: Cannabis

Marijuana prohibitionists are a lot like heroin addicts. They keep shooting themselves in the ass while everything around them falls apart.

Subject: Mississippi

In Alabama there is a saying.
Thank God for Mississippi.
Of course, I wonder what people in Mississippi say when they talk about how backwards their state is.

Subject: Pick Up Lines

"Mind if I stand next you and do some talking." Or, if your feeling shy. "Mind if I get you drunk tonight."

Subject: iPhone

Oops, I googled in my pocket!

Subject: Politics

The truth about Washington is that little emphasis is placed on truth.

Subject: Iraq

...But what delightful TV ratings!

Subject: Japan

Welcome to Kyoto, the anagram lover's Tokyo.
- adapted from futurama

Subject: Religion

So Jesus was a hippie? Oh great, we're definitely all going to hell then.

Subject: Grooming

""I've decided that since I quit smoking, I'm going to eat whatever the f*ck I want, grow a beard, and use hygiene at my own discretion."

Subject: Politics

Reality has a well documented liberal bias.

Subject: Religion

I prayed to God for a bike and quickly realized he didn't work that way. So I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness.

Subject: Culture

I used to think "The brain is the best part of the body." Then I realized what was telling me this!

Subject: Music

"There are only two kinds of music. Good music, and the other kind."
- Duke Ellington

Subject: Politics

Conservatives can usually be cured by good wine and cover of darkness.