Subject: Grooming

""I've decided that since I quit smoking, I'm going to eat whatever the f*ck I want, grow a beard, and use hygiene at my own discretion."

Subject: Politics

Reality has a well documented liberal bias.

Subject: Religion

I prayed to God for a bike and quickly realized he didn't work that way. So I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness.

Subject: Culture

I used to think "The brain is the best part of the body." Then I realized what was telling me this!

Subject: Music

"There are only two kinds of music. Good music, and the other kind."
- Duke Ellington

Subject: Politics

Conservatives can usually be cured by good wine and cover of darkness.